


Small Victories

by Madam_Violet



Series: The Vault Chronicles [22]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: But the Doctor tries very hard, F/M, Vault fic, and unhealthy, this is a bit sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-24
Updated: 2018-04-24
Packaged: 2019-04-27 10:55:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14423922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Madam_Violet/pseuds/Madam_Violet
Summary: Life is nothing more than trials and failures, but sometimes, small victories sparkle like stars in the night sky.Missy reflects on her small improvments and how tenuous her understanding of good actually is.





	Small Victories

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry, I've been facing a big author's block these last weeks. I had this little piece of fic on my laptop for months and I wanted to use it in a bigger project, but I guess it can stand on its own.

Life is nothing more than trials and failures, but sometimes, small victories sparkle like stars in the night sky.

That what came vaguely to Missy's mind as she was laying down on her bed, playing with a chocolate wrapper. The artificial light was casting pretty shadows through the intricate volutes on the translucent purple plastic. It was pretty, and what was even prettier was the look in the Doctor's eyes when he gave her the chocolate.

"Look, Missy. I've got something for you" he said, taking a bag of candy from his pocket. “Look carefully at this Easter egg before you eat it. There are delicates swirls all over the chocolate. I thought about you when I saw these at the shop.”

It was a mundane conversation, probably the most banal thing ever, but Missy was struck by the awe in the Doctor's voice and eyes. He was looking at her like she was the most beautiful thing in the universe. She wasn't entirely sure why he was looking at her like that. Most of the times his eyes were cold and his voice scolding. But in rare occasions like this, she felt like the most beloved woman in the universe. She didn't really know what caused one reaction or the other, so she always hoped she would be the precious protégée, and not the worthless prisoner.  
She knew it was half caused by the Doctor's current mood, and half by her own behaviour. But being good wasn't only difficult, it was also pretty random. Sometimes she spent hours elaborating complex systems to hypothetically resolve a dilemma. And most of the times she failed because her logical way of thinking wasn’t adequate with the Doctor’s sentimentalism. On the other hand, she sometimes had off-hand comments that earned her this special look, and even little treats. é  
She'd got a vague idea of right and wrong, off course, but the details were beyond her understanding. And the Doctor didn’t explain, only lecturing her about her supposed lack of good will. He took time to explain, sometimes, but it felt like they were speaking a different language. The most infuriating that was they both used English words, even Gallifreyan sometimes, but their meanings were unreachable. Missy didn’t understand the Doctor, and the Doctor didn’t understand Missy.  
Sometimes, she remembered hearing a snippet of conversation between the Doctor and Nardole as they were tinkering around the Vault, uncaring about being heard, as if Missy was a small child or an animal you can talk about in their presence.

“You’re too harsh with Missy. You’re confusing her more than you’re helping” reproached Nardole.  
“You really should decide. Last week I was spoiling her” grumbled the Doctor.  
“That's the problem. You should keep an equal attitude. You’re a roller coaster of emotions and it’s not good for an already unstable person like Missy”  
“I’m trying to teach her how to be good. Punishment and reward.”  
“What you're doing is training her like a circus animal. What the point of making her good if she doesn’t grasp a single concept ? She will never be able to act good on her own anyway.”  
“Stop talking about her like that. She’s clever, one of the most clever people I ever met.”  
“She’s a genius, indeed. But she’s also a sociopath and lots of things are beyond her reach. Blaming her or rewarding her for things she can't understand properly won’t make her good. It will make her insecure. Evil and insecure, not the best combination.”

The egg was probably right. Missy was hermetic to the Doctor’s concept of good. When she was on her own for long enough, she was rather confident she could find her own good. But when she told proudly the Doctor, certain of her own capacities, she often met a cold gaze and a “you can do better” voice. So she felt her hearts sink. It was hopeless. She was a hopeless wreck of a woman and she would never be at his level.  
Fortunately, she was alone most of the times. She didn’t mind being alone. She was always busy with something. Keeping fit, crafting with her few supplies, watching cartoons and TV shows, reading. She could easily spend a thousand years in this comfortable routine. But she wondered what would happen after ? If the Doctor didn’t abandon her before, of course. She didn’t want to go back in the big bad universe without him to keep her safe. She needed her friend more than anything, more than her freedom and her own self-esteem.  
Nardole was scolding her and rewarding her too, sometimes. But it was different. She understood him because his reactions were based on simple behaviours. He scolded her when she was violent and openly disrespectful and rewarded her when she was calm and obedient. He didn’t try to mingle with her mind or make her feel ashamed. Why would he had done this ? He didn’t want her to be his perfect friend. A well behaving prisoner was enough.

She preferred the Doctor, of course, because he was her friend and he was the only person to believe she was still worth saving. But she felt less miserable with Nardole, who didn’t expect anything from her. She didn’t really understand why he was losing his time looking after her, then.  
“Because River Song asked me” he answered. “And because you’re important to the Doctor, and the last of your specie beside him. I’m not doing this for you, if it’s your question.”  
“You’d prefer me dead, don’t you ? Do you regret rescuing me ?”  
“I didn’t say that. I don’t support death penalty or any barbaric form of punishment. Good people don’t harm their enemies in cold vengeance. But I guess it’s too much for your little evil mind to understand.”  
Missy snorted at the contemptuous comment. She asked the Doctor too.

“I believe in you, Missy. You're a brilliant mind, really brilliant. I know you can change.”  
“But, what if I didn't ?”  
“I know you will” said the Doctor with his sternest voice. It was the voice that means you will do as I say, it's none of your choice.  
Missy lowered her eyes, moving her attention to her cup of tea. The Doctor must had notice, because he added softly :  
“I know you won't understand everything tomorrow. But we have time. One thousand years more precisely. It will take its time, but it will work and you'll be brilliant. I believe in you more than you believe in yourself.”  
She left her eyes and met his warm smile. She felt all fuzzy inside and smiled back.  
“Why do you want to become good ? It can't be a trick to save your own life, you're already saved. Neither a cunning escaping plan, because you have so many other ways to escape, and you know well I won't let you out before the end of my oath. So why ?”  
“To make you proud of me.”  
“Good. And why do you want me to be proud of you ?”  
“Because you're my friend, and I want my friend back.”  
“Is that all ? Because I'm already here.”  
“I want you to look at me with your nice warm eyes. Is that good ?”  
“No. It's not good yet, because you still have selfish motivations.”

Missy's hopeful smile deflated immediately and she lowered her gaze once again. However, the Doctor took her hand and softly stroked her knuckles. Missy braced herself for what was coming. She hated when the Doctor was angry. Except he wasn't.

“Look at me, sweetheart. It's not good, but it's not bad. It's average, very human. And it's enough for me. I'm not perfect and I don't expect you to be. You are motivated by your feelings and your desire to be loved. It's already a good start.”  
“What does she feel about it ?”

The Doctor frowned, unsure of what she meant.

“How who is thinking what about what ?”  
“Your pretty little friend. She seemed concerned about me.”

The Doctor paused for a moment, not certain of what to answer.

“She thinks you're scary. And a murderer. I don't think she believes you can become good, and she doesn't even see how I can be your friend after all what you have done. Why do you want to know ?”  
“I think I'd be happy if she liked me too. Not that I care so much about her, but if she liked me I could be a part of your team. We would make a pretty nice Team TARDIS. You, me, Comic Relief and Exposition Girl.”

The Doctor smiled at the nicknames she gave to his companions. The simple fact she acknowledged them was enough to give him hope.

“Everybody likes you, Missy. That's the problem, you're a monster and you're so lovable at the same time. Maybe that's the reason you're here today, you're too lovable to die. You have good in you, so much good. People see this good in you. The genius, the sense of humour, and the childlike innocence you carry despite yourself. You can be beautiful, and you know that. Trust me and trust yourself.”

The Doctor stood up and walked towards Missy. Before she could say anything, he pecked a light kiss on her forehead. She closed her eyes, craving for more. What had she done to deserve the ultimate reward ?  
The Doctor left her confused as ever.  
But confused was good sometimes.


End file.
